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1445 - 1600

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1445 - 1600 Violent Death: Drunk Driving and Homicide (continued)

1600 - 1630 Review of Chaplain Specific Issues

This last half hour is reserved for informal discussion and by all participants to review information from entire two days and discuss the responses that may be specific to military chaplains and their work. Participants should have the manual in hand and glance through each subject area to assist with the review.

"Survivors of homicide victims (including drunk driving deaths)" is a phrase used to describe those individuals who had special ties of kinship with the person murdered, and who were therefore victimized, not only by the loss of someone close, but also by the horrific circumstances of that untimely death. Survivors are usually thought of as family members or close friends, but at times the term may include people with seemingly more distant relationships such as neighbors, school mates, and members of the community at large.

Murder and homicide are defined as the reckless or intentional taking of a human life by another individual. It includes those killed in drunk driving crashes, since driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol is quite properly considered to be criminally reckless conduct.

Let it be said at the outset: nothing in life prepares survivors for the day when a loved one is murdered. Most people live with illusions of immortality both for themselves and the people they know, at least before they reach old age. Death of a younger person is always a shock to those who grieve, who may even be stunned by the expected death of an old, infirm relative.

But murder involves more than death. For a majority of victims, it cuts short a healthy, young life, and for all victims, it is committed through an act of wanton human cruelty. The dimension of cruelty compounds the sense of sorrow and loss with acute feelings of injustice, distrust, and helplessness.

Death, even untimely death, is a phenomenon with which most clergy are very familiar. It is to this event that they are always called and to which they minister.

Most clergy have had some training in dealing with bereavement and the grief process. They are familiar with the stages of the bereaved's reaction:

Every minister, priest, rabbi, and imam has his or her own methods for ministering to people in each of these stages. However, since sudden, violent death is not as frequent an occurrence, a few comments on response to same seem appropriate.

The common response to any extraordinary trauma is crisis. The long term effect of the crisis is influenced by a number of objective and subjective factors, such as:

• Intensity of the event

• The suddenness of the event

• Whether the event was anticipated

• The ability to understand the event

• Our state of mind prior to the event

It is clear that learning of a loved one's murder is intense, sudden, and virtually impossible to understand. Hence, most survivors face a long period of emotional struggle to reconstruct a devastated life.

That private turmoil is characterized by a number of different feelings:

• Turmoil and numbness. Survivors report suffering an initial phase of shock and confusion. This is both mental and physical.

• Inability to accept news of the death and even less able to comprehend it

• Preoccupation with the survivor's personal loss

• Horror about the suffering that the victim may have suffered

• A need to know every detail

• Attacks of panic

• Fixation on maintaining a day-to-day routine, though this may be shattered at times by outbursts of intense emotion

• Restlessness and insomnia

• Inability to concentrate

• Flashbacks to the death notification or to the memory, or imagined pictures of the homicide or auto collision itself

• Fear of one's own life or that of other loved ones

• Self blame about something that the survivor did or did not do to prevent the crime

• Hostility towards everyone who cannot bring the victim back to life

• Utter hopelessness and helplessness

• Method of death notification. Often insensitive or incomplete because of the need of law enforcement to get on with investigation.

• Impact on other life changes. There may already be other problems among survivors: divorce, unemployment, illness. These are intensified.

• Unwanted and untimely demands. Identification of the body, funeral arrangements, medical or ambulance bulls, notification of family and friends, etc.

• Necessary role changes. Perhaps the one lost handled all the finances and business of the home, or the child rearing. Perhaps a son or daughter or remaining partner now has to become the one to take over these responsibilities.

• Financial stress. This is especially true when the victim was the sole or primary source of income. Medical and funeral expenses. Cleaning up the home. Arranging for another automobile.

• Misguided compassion. Those who turn to religion often hear such statements as, "It was God's will," "Your loved one is better off in heaven," or "God called him/her. These often alienate the survivor not only from the person speaking out but from their faith. Some survivors report that they are advised to "forgive the murderer" or "pray for his/her redemption." Such advise is not only infuriating but painful to hear.

Note to Clergy: This list of stress factors comes from a publication of the National Organization for Victim Assistance. It expresses what professional victim advocates have experienced. There are many theological implications here. A special word will follow on this particular stressor.

• Responses from family and friends. Murder (including death by drunk driving) is extremely painful to deal with. For this reason friends may avoid the survivors or advise them to "get on with their lives," "forget about the past," "concentrate on the family they have left." This exhibits a failure to enter into the grief with the loved one.

Most survivors turn to the criminal justice system for a special kind of emotional support as well as practical support in their passion to see the assailant apprehended, prosecuted, convicted and punished.

• Initial reaction may seem fueled by revenge. When outsiders like the criminal justice system see only vengefulness in the survivors, and miss the other feelings at work -- feelings of wanting to restore just order to the world, an order that has been so badly violated by the murderer -- and feelings that it is important to do something about the crime as a way to combat their sense of helplessness. Those who see only the survivor's anger are often put off ("frightened" may be more accurate) by its intensity. By the way survivors are put at arm's length means that, even in cases that end up with a severe sentence, the survivor may not feel vindicated or relieved.

• Perceived failure of the criminal justice system. When an arrest is made relief bordering on euphoria is common among survivors, who often believe that now everything is going to be all right. What they are most always forced to learn is that arrests do not necessarily result in prosecutions, or prosecutions in convictions, or convictions in stiff sentences, or stiff sentences ordered in stiff sentences served.

• Delays. If the case does go to trial, the trial dates may be postponed and delayed for months or years.

• Barring from court procedures. When trials do start survivors will almost certainly be barred from attending the proceedings (except in states which have passed a "court attendance" act) because it is felt that their presence may prove prejudicial to the jury.

• Failure to inform. It is the fate of many survivors to not even be informed if prosecution charges have been filed. Before the movement for victim rights and services gained momentum in the 1980s, the surviving relatives were not considered the "direct victims" of homicide, and so, unless they were key witnesses, they were simply forgotten as often as not. "Victims' Bill of Rights," adopted by a majority of states, are putting an end to this thoughtless process.

• Hope for a plea bargain. The survivors who are kept informed of the progress of a prosecution may often hope that a plea bargain will be struck, at least if it means a guilty plea to first or second degree murder, or if it means a conviction when the prosecutor has serious evidentiary problems in the case. Survivors learn, however, that guilty pleas are much less common in homicide cases than in other types of crime.

• Disillusionment with a plea bargain. If there is a plea bargain the survivor often has stress because there was no public ritual to condemn the person who committed so hideous a crime.

• Problems with the verdict. The outcome of hearings usually boils down to three categories in the view of most survivors: (1) a "not guilty" verdict, (2) a "guilty" verdict, but which, for one reason or another, produces an inappropriate sentence, and (3) a "guilty" verdict that produces an appropriate sentence.

In all three cases, survivors are often surprised with their own reactions. When a "not guilty" verdict is delivered, the survivors report disillusionment, outrage, and isolation -- and much more intensely than they had anticipated. At times survivors even fear retaliation by the defendant.

If a "guilty" verdict is handed down with an inappropriate sentence from the perspective of the survivor, the reactions are usually the same.

If a "guilty" verdict is handed down followed by an appropriately severe sentence from the perspective of the survivor, survivors are often surprised by their response. Survivors typically assume that a just conclusion will salve their pain, and they are sometimes shocked when it does not. One reason for this is that, from the point of arrest onward, most survivors concentrate so much on the criminal justice dimension that they do not allow themselves the time or space for grieving. Hence, when the trial is over, their emotions are no longer "on hold" and they are plunged back to a starting place in the grieving process.

• Victim impact statement. Thanks to legislation mandating "victim impact statements," survivors in most states now have a right to have some input into the sentencing. Sometimes it is a written, objective statement of how the murder affected the survivors financially, medically, and emotionally. In some states, this information may be supplemented by the survivor's opinions as to what the sentence should be. And in at least a few states, survivors are permitted to speak to the judge at the sentencing hearing itself.

(1) Excerpts from NOVA Network Information Bulletin, Vol. 2, No. 3, October 1985, National Organization for Victim Assistance, Washington, DC.

In the above information professional victim advocates are quoted: "Many survivors find comfort in their religion, but even their religious community may react with misguided compassion. Statements such as 'it was God's will', 'your loved one is better off in heaven,' or 'God called him' often alienates survivors not only from the person speaking but from their own faith. Some survivors report that they are advised to 'forgive the murderer' or 'pray for his redemption.' Such advice is not only infuriating but painful to hear."

Although it is difficult to read statements by victim assistance professionals about religious concepts, it should be understood, that whatever the position of the minister, priest, rabbi, or imam on such things as the sovereignty of God, life after death or forgiveness, survivors are really not in a place to hear theological concepts. This is true even though they may even be asking questions like, "Why did God allow this to happen?, etc."

Rather, this is a time for merely being with the survivor in his or her suffering. It is said of the prophet Ezekiel, in ministering to the pain of the captive Israelites, that he "sat where they sat." (2) If the survivor asks something like "Where is he or she now?" it may be appropriate to give a response, but certainly not with the inference that the victim is better off (even if our faith assures us that he or she is). Because of the suddenness and the violence of the event, the survivor is incapable of hearing such at this time.

A helpful response may be to give assurance that God is with us in this suffering. In this evil, God suffers as well. Also in this pain, God is a "very present help". Even though survivors may be even questioning the God in which they have always believed, it is paradoxical that they are usually still willing to go there for comfort and strength. And, when they do, they invariably receive it.

Forgiveness is an even more delicate issue. Clergy know how strong the scriptural teaching is on this subject, and that true healing of the wounds of an offense can come through forgiveness. But timing is so very important. The grieving period, which may be months or years, is not the time to recommend this. Later, in order to release the terrible burden, it may come. One survivor, who was a strong Christian, said, "I know I should forgive, but I can't." An appropriate response might be, "Let's not worry about that now. Perhaps later, for your sake, you may want to, and then be given strength."

Don't desert. After the funeral is over there is a tendency to leave the bereaved alone and forsaken. "Where did everyone go?" is the question of many bereaved people. "What happened? Why is no one around? Did I do something wrong? I feel like I must have a dangerous disease."

Don't try to fix the pain. Bereavement is painful. There must be pain before there can be healing. The most difficult thing to learn about comforting is to permit the bereaved to live their own pain. It is one thing to sorrow with a person but quite another thing to interfere with their pain.

Listen with your heart. Grieving is a matter of the heart rather than the head. Listening to the feelings of the bereaved is most important, permitting the sorrow to surface and the pain to be openly expressed. Invite all feelings to surface and listen through the silences. Your being there is more important than knowing what to say.

Accept all expressions of grief without censoring. Often there are aggressive feelings expressed, including anger, resentment, guilt and shame. Sometimes the bereaved feel cheated by God. Let them be angry. God understands grief.

Permit the bereaved opportunity to talk openly about the departed loved one. This is a vital part of the healing process. Enforced silence in this regard can be very detrimental and prevent recovery.

Remain available. When death had been expected the bereavement will generally last approximately six months. Unexpected death takes longer, up to thirteen months and more. Regardless of how long it takes, we must remain available until the grieving subsides.

Be sincere. Do not make a pretense at being interested in the bereaved if you are not. Pretense really can hurt. Think how you want to be treated and always seek to be kind.

Don't explain.

As deeply as I cry out "Why?", I know there is no rational explanation. My "Why?" is more a longing for God to hold me in His arms and give me some comfort than it is a question I want answered. I don't want you to try to give me answers. What has happened is absurd. It is surely not as God intended life to be. It doesn't make sense. God didn't cause it. The devil didn't cause it. It could not have been God's will.

Therefore, let us together try to explain the cause of the tragedy as factually and honestly as possible. I want God, and you as my pastor, as companions who will stand with me in my longings, not as sources of explanation.

Don't take away my reality.

My pain seems unbearable to me and yet, in light of what has happened, it feels right that I should be in pain. I know it is uncomfortable for you. I know you want to take it away. But you can't, so please don't try. The pain is a sign to me of how much I have loved and how much I have lost. If I have doubts, I am angry, understand that these are normal reactions to a very abnormal situation. I will not always be like this, but I am now. These are my feelings. Please respect them.

Help me deal with forgiveness with integrity.

Understand that if my faith is important to me, I will struggle with the issue of forgiveness. I will remember all the times I've been told that I must forgive. And yet, something deep within me resists forgiving someone who has not even said, "I'm sorry."

I wonder if I am the appropriate one to forgive that person who harmed or injured someone I love. I don't feel obligated to forgive; I don't even feel that I have the right to forgive in those circumstances. But yet, I feel uncomfortable in my resistance to forgive.

I am also troubled by the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I desperately want my loved one who has been killed or injured to be remembered. I resist anything that threatens the memory of one who has died. Therefore, even if I do decide at some point that I can honestly and with integrity offer forgiveness, please don't ask me to forget what happened. It is impossible to forget, and, to me, it is very undesirable as well. Even Jesus said "Remember me" when He was dying on the cross.

Understand that forgiveness is far more than just saying three words, "I forgive you." If I say the words, they must be true. I must speak them from the depths of my very soul with absolute integrity. Don't push me to say the words just to satisfy you. I can only say them if I come to really mean them.

Stay close.

Just as a one-year-old child learns to walk with someone close by to steady him when he stumbles, stay close enough so I can reach out and steady myself on you when I need to. Understand my need to grieve, my need to withdraw, my need to agonize, but remind me that you're there to lean on when I want to share my pain.

Remember me ... for a long time.

This loss will always be a part of me. I'll need to talk about it for years to come. Most people will be tired of hearing about it after a period of time. Be the person who will invite me to share my feelings about this after others have moved on to other concerns. If my loved one has died, mention his or her name from time to time and let us remember together.

Don't be frightened of my anger.

Anger isn't nice to be around. But it's part of what I'm feeling now, and I need to be honest about it. I won't hurt myself or anybody else. I know my anger doesn't threaten God. People get angry in the Bible. Even God got angry at certain things. The one to worry about is the one who has experienced violence but hasn't become angry.

Listen to my doubt.

You stand for faith, and I want you to, but listen to my doubt so you can hear the pain it is expressing. Like anger, doubt is not pleasant to be around, so people will want to talk me out of it. But for right now, let me express the questions which are measured by the depth of the loss I feel. If I cannot doubt, my faith will have no meaning. It is only as I move through doubt that a more meaningful faith will develop.

Be patient.

My progress will not be steady. I'll slip back just when everyone thinks I'm doing so well. Be one to whom, on occasion, I can reveal my weakness and regression. Let me be weak around you and not always strong. I'll make it, but it will take much longer than most people think. I'll need your patience.

Remind me this isn't all there is to life.

My pain and my questions consume me. I think and feel nothing else. Remind me there is more to life than my understanding and my feelings. Speak the word "God," not to dull my pain, but to affirm life. I don't want God as an aspirin but as a companion who shares my journey. Stay beside me and remind me of that Eternal Presence which can penetrate even my grief.

(1) "Out of the Depths" by Dr. Richard P. Lord, Rush Creek Christian Church, Arlington, Texas.

A publication by Janice Lord, National Director of Victim Services for Mothers Against Drunk Driving, is entitled Beyond Sympathy (1). Coming from someone who is in constant touch with survivors of drunk driving victims, this book gives very direct and practical responses to the tragedy of violent death. The following is a summary of some of the subjects covered:

From Uneasiness to Understanding

The First Step in Helping

• Considering the level of care needed

• Evaluating the level of your commitment

• Understanding the grief or loss

• Taking care of yourself

Understanding the Needs of People in Specific Situations

Serious injury

Terminal illness

Death following illness

Sudden death

Suicide

Helping Principles

Empathetic Listening

• Listening

• Coping with intense emotions

• Dealing with guilt

• Sharing your own experiences

Active Support

• Providing practical assistance

• Sending notes

• Handling second victimizations

Special Issues

Understanding reactions of children

Planning and attending funerals

Coping with holidays

Understanding spiritual and mystical experiences

Suggesting counseling

Preventing suicide

Note: Review of this publication does not indicate endorsement by U.S. Department of Justice, Office for Victims of Crime

(1) Lord, Janice, Beyond Sympathy, 458 Dorothy Avenue, Ventura, CA 93003: Pathfinder Publishing Co.

NATIONAL

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) -- National (214) 744-6233

511 East John Carpenter Freeway, 0700 1(800) GET-MADD

Irving, Texas 75062

Students Against Driving Drunk (SADD) (508) 481-3568

255 Main Street

Marlboro, Massachusetts 01752

The Compassionate Friends (708) 990-0010

P.O. Box 3696

Oakbrook, Illinois 60522-3696

National District Attorney's Association (703) 549-9222

99 Canal Center Plaza, Suite 510

Alexandria, Virginia 22314

National Victim Center (703) 276-2880

2111 Wilson Boulevard, Suite 300

Arlington, Virginia 22201

National Organization for Victim Assistance (202) 232-6682

1757 Park Road, N.W.

Washington, D.C. 20010

National Victims Resource Center 1(800) 627-6872

P.O. Box 6000

Rockville, Maryland 20850

Parents of Murdered Children (513) 721-5683

100 East Eighth Street, Suite B-41

Cincinnati, Ohio 45202

The Spiritual Dimension in Victim Services (303) 333-8810

P.O. Box 6736

Denver, Colorado 80206-0736

Legal Resources

The Crime Victims' Law Firm (803) 722-0082

P.O. Box 821

Charleston, SC 29402

V.A.L.O.R. (703) 538-6898

P.O. Box 862

McLean, VA 22101-0862

FOR LOCAL RESOURCES, clergy may contact any of the above listed national organizations for information as to local affiliates, or the Victim and Witness Assistance Coordinator in their community through the offices of the state's, district or city attorney.

GRIEF/DYING/DEATH

Lord, Janice Harris Beyond Sympathy, Ventura, CA: Pathfinder Books, 1988.

Wolfelt, Alan D., M.D., Death and Grief: A Guide for Clergy, Muncie, IN: Excellerated Development, 1988.

Blankenship, Jayne, In the Center of the Night: Journey Through a Bereavement, New York: Putnam, 1984.

Schiff, Harriet Sarnoff, Living Through Mourning: Finding Comfort and Hope When a Loved One Has Died, New York: Viking Press, 1986.

Rando, Therese, ed., Parental Loss of a Child, Champaign, Illinois: Research Press Co., 1986.

Donnelly, Catherine Fair, Recovering from the Loss of a Child, New York: Macmillan Publishing, 1982.

Nudel, Adele Rice, Starting Over: Help for Young Widows and Widowers, New York: Dodd, Mead & Co., 1986.

SUDDEN DEATH

Cato, Sid, Healing Life's Great Hurts, Chicago: Chicago Review Press.

Lord, Janice Harris, No Time for Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, Ventura, California: Pathfinder Publishing, 1987.

DEATH AND FAITH

Lewis, C.A., A Grief Observed, Scranton, Pennsylvania: Seabury Press (Harper Religious Books).

Neufeld, Elsie K., Dancing in the Dark: A Sister Grieves, Scottsdale, PA: Herald Press, 1990.

Granger, Westberg, Good Grief, Philadelphia: Fortress Press.

Linbergh, Ann, Hour of Lead: Sharing Sorrow, Minneapolis: Redpath Press.

Wolterstorff, N., Lament of a Son, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Eerdmans.

Wisenthal, Simon, The Sunflower, New York: Schocken Books.

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